Part Twenty Five: Itchy Insides

For those of you out there who have never had (or never will have) the excitement of going to the gynecologist, let me tell you... it's a blast. In keeping with the tradition of telling you more than you ever needed to know... I'm gonna tell you more than you ever needed to know. (Just in case there's someone out there that DOES need to know.)

Really, it's not that bad... but there's something kind of daunting about it. It's one thing for a doctor to stick their hand up your shirt to listen to your heart with a stethoscope, but it's another thing completely to have a doctor examining your exposed breasts or putting your feet in stirrups, scooting your bare butt up to the edge of a table and allowing a complete stranger to look into what my friend Megan Page likes to call the "cooter".

My trip to the doctor this morning went a lot better than the last one. This time I was prepared with my complete insurance information, although I still have been unable to obtain a temporary ID card. Within minutes of my arrival I was whisked away to get measured (5'2" tall) and weighed (124 lbs). The nurse then took me into the exam room and she took my blood pressure (which was "good"), and gave me instructions for the gown and the sheet (gown open in the front, sheet over the legs).

Before I got undressed, I was led across the hall to meet with my new doctor in her office. Dr. M is a recent addition to the women's clinic I went to. She recently finished up her residency at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis and as expected she was young and pretty and looked smart in her little white doctor's coat. She kept calling me "darling"... but not in a snobby international sort of way. More like a friendly southern "darlin'". This made me feel good but also weirded me out a little bit because she didn't seem much older than me.

The doctor and I discussed my medical history and family history and the reason for my visit. She promised she would send my test results over to the coordinator as soon as they came in and she commended me for my attempt to donate a kidney. She also said that I was the "picture of good health" or something... which I guess I kind of already knew after two months of evaluations for the donation. But I still expressed the appropriate gratitude for her saying so.

Our discussion was short and we trudged back across the hall to the exam room where I was given a minute to undress and get my naked butt on the table. I always find that the gowns are way too big on me and with the opening in the front, they did very little to hide my private parts. I was just getting ready to put the sheet over my legs when the doctor knocked on the door and asked if I was ready. I wasn't really ready... but figured she was about to stick her hand up my "private no-no spot" anyway so it probably really didn't matter if I exposed myself to her.

The actual exam was pretty quick once she got started. She first examined each breast while I was in a sitting position, and then had me lay down and felt around a little bit more. She encouraged me to do monthly self-exams and explained how to do that (which I have already heard a million times... but appreciated nonetheless). Next she whipped out the little stirrups, had me scoot up to the edge of the table. She was talking to me about my job at Six Flags as she worked... and before I knew it she had stuck the speculum "down there" and was scraping away at my insides for the Pap Smear. She also pressed around on my pelvis some and looked around for a bit... then it was done. It probably only took five minutes.

As far as results go, she said that "no news is good news" and promised to have the results faxed over to the kidney transplant coordinator in 7-10 days.

So I guess that's pretty much it until my dad and I go in for the final crossmatch on the 19th. That's only a week and a half away which is both frightening and exciting.